Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The Secret To Cleaning

I consider myself a decent house keeper. Especially if you compare our home to, say, a hyena's den. Mostly though, we invite someone over, and I put it on the calendar knowing I have to block off three days before the date to devote to cleaning. 

Cleaning is so pointless. I just cannot get motivated. All these little people who live here, and even the big people (well, one of us, not me, but I'm not naming any names) mess everything up the second it's perfected. 

"Mom, did you just dust the coffee table? Good because I wanted to dump out the bottom of this bag of Doritos right here but just wanted to make sure it's clean first."

"Martha, did you just spend two hours scrubbing the soap scum from my shower? Good because I took apart the carburetor on the weedeater and am now covered in black grease and wanted to be sure I have a sparkling white shower in which to clean myself."

But I do clean occasionally. Sometimes it gets to the point where I just can't stand it. And then my internal switch flips from "Even-Keeled-Pretty-Fun-Mom" to "That-Woman-is-Crazy-Mode," and I am forced to scream at everyone about how gross we all are and why can't anyone put away their crap and how I read an article eight years ago that said it takes 10 seconds to put something in its place but if you let all your ten secondses add up then you are left picking up Barbie shoes until forever. The girls loathe this article and whoever wrote it. They also HATE to be told to be efficient, which is Preston's favorite thing to say when I go into Mean Mommy Mode and he is just trying to diffuse the bomb.  

I have in fact had a "Deep Clean the Kitchen Day" planned for the first day after school started on which I had no other important Stay At Home Mom things to do like eat bonbons or catch up on "Days of Our Lives." Today happened to be the day.

When we were building this house, I was totally opposed to white cabinets. But then I saw these white cabinets that could have a brush stroke put on them. This means some kind person took an itty bitty paint brush and painted a tiny strip of brown in all the places where they eventually turn brown anyways from the problem known as "Nobody Washes Cabinets Here Ever." So the cabinets occasionally get wiped down, like when someone dribbles red KoolAid on the pantry door, but deep cleaning hasn't been necessary. 

Isn't that brilliant? 
Well done, Painter Person!

Therefore you might think that on this deep cleaning day the cabinets were the grossest thing here, but you would be wrong. 

It's the vent hood.

I have never lived in a house with a vent hood.

Did you know you need to not only wipe down the tall part where the smoke gets vented (which I have done when I have wiped down the appliances...every four months or so) but you also should clean UNDERNEATH where the lights and the fan and all that stuff are? 

It's like that old scary movie, 
"What Lies Beneath?" 

I did not know this.

Until I was wiping down the stove and happened to glance up.

There was more grease under there than on a whole fleet of carburetors, which I feel sure is how they count them at the carburetor factory.

I do not care if you have six little boys who never ever hit the toilet, a pack of wild dogs living in your basement or have not once swept under your nine month old's high chair. 

The underneath of your vent hood is grosser. 

And now I have a problem because it has gotten so gross that I can't touch it. And Preston, who is not grossed out by anything - like, a child threw up in his hand once and he didn't even flinch - is still in the first hellish days of the school year wherein he is leaving at five am and returning at six pm with a giant backpack full of Things Which Will Fill His Time Until 11 pm. So I can't ask him to clean it.

But I have a solution. Lean in for the secret to all things like this in your house that need to be cleaned: 

I am just never going to look at it again. 

Problem solved.

Grace for Dirty Houses,

1 comment:

  1. Fantastic article! Love your blog! I consider myself to a decent housekeeper , too. Keep posting!


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