Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Judgy Judgerson's Top Ten

I used to be the most judgmental person on the entire planet. I was full of pride. I was a Pharisee. I would thank God for giving me more sense than He had obviously given to other people. I would never be like that. I would never allow that. I would never resort to that. I would never let that happen. 

And then I had kids.

Things I swore before I had kids:

1. My child will never throw a fit in public, and if she does, well, that will be the only time!

B.C. Martha (before children Martha
So obviously those kids you hear screaming in the store are the offspring of total degenerates. I mean, why can't their parents get that under control? Or just leave them at home with a babysitter and not ruin life for the rest of us? I'm just trying to eat my dinner/get my groceries/sip my latte/try on shoes/worship/look at All The Fab Things in Target (the only store necessary for survival according to my eight year old) in peace. That parent just needs to take charge. Don't they know there is a nursery in this church?

A.D. Martha (after the death of everything Martha thought she knew)
That poor parent with the screaming child I can hear from all the way on the other side of Target. I bet they have told that child they can't get the toy/gum/candy they are asking for since they just got plenty of all those things yesterday at Christmas, or have told them they can no longer hide in the clothing racks causing parental panic when they can't be found, and the child is throwing a huge fit at the injustice of it all. I bet that parent is scrambling to get out of the store, tossing those few final things in their cart, face red from embarrassment at the knowledge there are plenty of B.C Marthas in the store grumbling about the out of control toddler and the parent who can't get it together enough to get through an hour long shopping trip. And even though the child was admonished to "act like you've been in public before" and will be given consequences once they can actually get the heck out of this store, all those B.C. Marthas are judging the awful parenting. And I know for a fact that poor parent is probably thinking, "I am an awful parent. My children are going to be serial killers. I probably need to put all this stuff back and start saving for bail money." 

A.D. Martha
Oh, I know that mother probably tried to drop her baby off in the nursery and the baby cried so hard she turned purple, breaking the mother's heart, so she just brought her on into worship thinking, "All these people love Jesus, and He Himself said something about letting the little children come unto Him. Surely there are no B.C. Marthas in worship! This will be fine." And oh, she was so wrong. All those BC Marthas are wondering why you didn't put that kid in the nursery and how in the world can I pray for all the lost people of the world when you sit there with your fussy baby? 

A.D Martha
Those parents were so desperate for a night out they brought their 6 month old and two year old to this nice restaurant with them. I bet they saved up for a month to be able to come to this place and didn't have enough left for a sitter. And now their toddler, who actually napped extra long today so they thought they would be safe to bring her out tonight, is throwing her fork on the floor repeatedly, and the baby just spit up. I know they are humiliated but the poor things can't quite seem to catch the eye of the waiter who is really avoiding their table like the plague so they can get the dadgum check and escape this evening that turned out horribly. And the B.C. Marthas over there on their first date keep giving them the evil eye. 

2. I will never feed my kids fast food!

B.C. Martha
Look at that minivan full of kids and that mom with her messy ponytail. I bet she's ordering everyone happy meals and super sizing their french fries. Didn't she watch that food documentary about how awful fast food is during her free time? I bet those nuggets are made of chicken beaks, and the fries are fried in canola oil! Surely she's heard about the miracles of coconut oil! I don't understand why she can't get up and make some bread in the morning. It doesn't take that long. And how much effort is it to bake a chicken or make your own nuggets? I just know she let those kids get coke. Oh, the high fructose corn syrup! The artificial coloring! The caffeine! Those kids probably won't even grow one more inch.

A.D. Martha
I can just tell that sweet mom has had it. It has been one of those days. Her significant other just called to say he has to work late, and she will be on her own for the whole supper and bedtime mess. She said things she regrets but unfortunately can't stuff back in her mouth and had a mini breakdown while the kids dumped out all the legos, polly pockets, and a jar of pennies and mixed it together in her biggest mixing bowl. She has just got to get through the next two hours, so for everyone's sanity said they could go to the golden arches for a once-every-six-months treat. And she's feeling so terribly guilty because she did watch the documentary everyone's been talking about and knows what she's feeding them probably isn't real food but she was desperate. I hope her husband forgives her when he comes in late, exhausted because he really didn't want to work late but didn't have a choice, and she has waited up to apologize to him. I sure hope all those kids sleep through the night.

3. I will never wear that!l

B.C. Martha
Ugh! Those mom jeans are so awful! Why does she pull them up so high? Probably because she still has a tummy from having all those kids trailing after her, and if she tried to wear low slung jeans she would have a muffin top. Why doesn't she take a class at the rec center and lose that belly? They have free child care there, don't they? And those yoga pants aren't any better! I've seen her around town in those three days in a row, and I know for a fact they are the same ones because there is stain on the back that I bet she doesn't even know is there! I will always look put together. And there will be no baby weight by my six week postpartum appointment. Priorities, people!

A.D. Martha
Look at that tired momma in those jeans. I bet she hasn't been able to afford a new pair what with having, it looks like maybe three?, kids in diapers. And I bet she would so love to have a new pair but is trying to lose that last ten pounds before she shops. I'm sure she's tried exercising, but when she went to the rec center in her sweats all the other women had on skin tight leggings and looked super fit, and another child taught one of her children the "F" word in the child care room, and the child care worker came and got her out of the zumba class she was feeling ridiculous in because the baby was crying hysterically and wouldn't settle down, so that discouraged her from ever going to the rec center again. And every time she tries to take 20 minutes and do a work-out video at home all hell breaks loose. And by the time all the kids are in bed she is so tired she can't think about anything except a glass of wine and a rerun of "Friends." I know she keeps her washing machine going 24/7 but probably just doesn't even think about throwing in her own clothes since there are so many loads of burp cloths, uniforms, nightgowns, vomit bedsheets, towels and dishrags to keep up with. I bet she just grabbed those pants off the floor because she was in such a hurry to get to the crying baby before it woke up any of the other kids.

4. Babies won't change us! 

B.C. Martha
see this post

A.D. Martha
see this post

5. I will keep up with everything going on at their school, never be late, and volunteer all the time.

B.C. Martha
When we have kids, they will be our top priority. I just can't understand how some people have kids and then don't want to be involved. I mean, that must be the reason. Why else would you work and not stay home with your kids? Surely there are budget items that can be cut enough so you don't have to take on a job. And all these moms who are always dropping their kids off late! Why don't they just get everyone up five minutes earlier? And where are these parents who don't even bother to show up on parent-teacher conference night? They really don't care. I haven't even met Jim Bob's mom. Why hasn't she volunteered to cut something out at least once? I could solve all these people's problems. I am so wise at the ripe old age of 22. 

A.D. Martha
My heart is shattering into pieces as I leave my child yet again to go off to a job I really need to work at to make all the ends meet. She is screaming, and it is taking all my self control not to completely lose it right here and make the situation a million times worse. I wish I could just figure out how to cut our grocery budget and get everything we need for the month for $2 like those extreme couponers I've heard about on that cable TV show I've never seen since we cut cable six years ago. And that field trip she's been begging me to go on! If I go it will cost me $50 in time missed from work and another $10 entrance to the zoo and the gas it takes to drive a van full of kids, so we are looking at about a $75 day, but I really want to go. What could we give up this month so I can go? But all the kids have a field trip this month. How do I choose whose to go on? Maybe Preston could take a personal day and go on one. But he only gets two personal days, because yes, he has the whole summer off, and we are so fortunate for that - teachers have the easiest job with the most breaks, we knew the pay scale when we chose this profession...blah blah blah. Anyways, I know that mom who is dropping her kid at day care doesn't want to be doing that but probably DOES NOT HAVE ANOTHER OPTION. Or at least not another option for today. Bless bless bless her. 

6. Preston and I will stay disgustingly romantic.

B.C. Martha 
I just can't understand why people have more problems after the babies come along. I mean, you just have to remember your priorities. You made a commitment and need to stick with it. If you just continue to do the little things for each other, talk out problems, carve out time alone, your marriage will stay perfect, and you will be able to agree on everything.

A.D. Martha
I am so sorry for those friends I heard about whose marriage is on the rocks. I bet things really changed in ways they couldn't even imagine after having kids. Children just demand so much of your time, not because you let them, but because they just do, what with their inability to feed themselves, dress themselves, bathe themselves, change their own diapers. I know they wanted more than anything to be together and have an uninterrupted conversation, but how is that supposed to happen? How can a person predict a night of a child's bad dreams which keep you up, too and the utter exhaustion that comes with it? And what about that unexpected transmission repair which meant he had to pick up some extra hours to pay for? I bet they wished they had discussed whether or not they thought piano lessons were important before they had kids. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to keep our own marriage vows, so I definitely understand where they are. 

7. I will never drive a minivan.

B.C. Martha
I hate when I get behind a minivan at a stoplight! Inevitably the poorly attired woman driving it is using the opportunity to turn around and stuff a pacifier in someone's mouth, or swat at the child who is swatting at her sister, or pick up a spilled snack. Lots of problems here: they should have never let the baby have a pacifier. Don't they know it will ruin the shape of the baby's mouth? They should teach their children to love their siblings! My kids won't even want to swat at one another. And we will have a firm "no snacks in the SUV rule." Because I will have an SUV, not a van, even though it costs so much more in gas. And it will stay clean. They will learn to pick up after themselves. 

A.D. Martha

I refuse to take a picture of the inside. 


8. I won't use screens to babysit my kids.

B.C. Martha
All these kids with their faces buried in their electronic devices! Whatever happened to books? My children will learn to read by age 3, 4 at the latest, and will love to read. We will go to the library at least once a week and always, always return our books on time. They will learn to go on long car trips without a DVD player. We will just play road trip games like, "count the cows." They will play quietly while I get all the household chores done. There's nothing good on TV anyways.

A.D. Martha
Oh, I know how that mom in front of me in line feels, paying $12 in late fees. Just last week I had to buy an Eric Carle book we haven't been able to find since 2008. And that mom letting her kid watch cartoons on her phone while she gets groceries? Of course she is! It's the only way to avoid a scene from #1! You are headed out of town next week? Let me give you our portable DVD player and our 50 DVDs. Otherwise you will be stuck playing "count how many times Daddy threatens to pull the car over." The best way to get the dishes done is to turn on Strawberry Shortcake. And put it on repeat. 

9. My kids will always pick up after themselves.

B.C. Martha
I am total type A. I love a picked up house. Really not only picked up, but organized. There's no reason kids can't get on board with that. If they can pick up a toy to play with it they can certainly pick it up to put it away. And if they leave something on the floor, off to a charity it goes. I will not let my cozy home be overrun by them.

A.D. Martha


Cozy, right?


10. I will always be consistent.

B.C. Martha
Consistency is key. Children thrive on consistency. They need to know what to expect. I will always, always provide this for my children. Once decided, I won't be shaken. The day will go as I have planned. 

A.D. Martha
Lately I was lamenting this, and Preston said, "We are consistent: consistently inconsistent." While A.D. Martha does still think this is important on some things, life is in constant flux and what worked yesterday may not work today. Flexibility is my new motto. "Lord, bring us what you have for us today, make us a blessing to someone today, and show us who needs Your kindness today." This is what I pray with the girls on the way to school each day. And when He brings it, I want to be ready! 



There are so many more areas I judged in, blog post upon blog post, and honestly in my deepest, darkest, inmost self where I am even more terrible than I think I am, I still judge. But mostly, you will get the benefit of the doubt from me. This mom life is hard. And awesome. And so, so worth it. 

Even on days I have to repeat that to myself through clenched teeth.

Grace and no judgment for today,
Martha


No comments:

Post a Comment

Share your own craziness here. We are all in this together. Let's laugh about it.